FallingLEAVes of Sunshine

Maybe it's contributed to my problem with having low self esteem since I was little. But I feel like I'm always super critical of myself and my efforts. I have always found it difficult to accept compliments. Even when I know the person giving it is completely genuine. I always have this niggling shred of doubt in the back of my mind. Not the "I'm a perfectionist and it wasn't perfect like I think it should be" kind of way. Usually it's the, "I'm really just mediocre and it really wasn't that great but if you say it is, okay" kind of way. And deep down, "I really hope it's true what you're saying" kind of way. Because in certain aspects, I know that I'm not that good at things but I try really hard at it anyway. Like music. Music does not really come naturally to me. Nor do I really have a head for it. But I really love music. For example, I play the bass clarinet and have loved playing it since the first time I tr...

Remember when everyone had a blog and posted regularly? I know I dropped off the blogosphere years ago. In light of recent events, and smart phones and a blog app, I may have to jump back into blogging. Like I said once before, I forget how much I enjoy writing. It's one of my dreams to be a writer one day. Not sure what kind of writer and if I have anything worth reading. I do admit, I go through fads and phases. Some last longer then others. Some are very short. Like I've admitted recently to our new pastor, I am a bit obsessive compulsive. There was the Newsboys fad. I bought almost all of their albums within a one year span, at the time anyway. The Snoopy and peanuts gang phase, which still lingers. The love stories book series phase. Then I ran out of shelf space. The lakers phase didn't last very long. That was in the early 2000s. There was the lord of the rings phase. Like I said, I went through lots of phases. And of course, the Dodgers phase. That lasted much lo...

My mom passed away three weeks ago today from liver disease. Even before she passed away, I was already thinking, she's never gonna see me or my siblings get married, hold any of her grand kids... Like sometime else said, those lost opportunities. There are times when I think I'll never go a day without crying. I miss her everyday. Especially at night. For me, night time is always the hardest. The house is dark and quiet. I'm no longer listening for her to call out if she needs me. And its at night when I realize, I haven't seen her today and I remember she's gone. I know I haven't written I'm two years. That was shortly before I found out the first time my mom had a liver disease. She was managing it until last September when she got sick again. This time, there was no getting better. There were weekly trips, mostly in three middle of the night, to the ER. There were several long hospital stays. And finally, hospice care at home. It was three weeks ago th...