Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Two hours and twenty minutes left

Till the New Year. That means I have two hours and twenty minutes left before my 2008 New Year's resolution goes incompleted. That's okay. I can make the same resolution for 2009.

A few thoughts to finish out 2008.

No matter how fast you drive, you can't drive away from your feelings. No matter how loud the music is, you can't drown out your thoughts. No matter how fast you run, you can't run from yourself. These were the thoughts that was going through my mind while I was driving over to my friend's house for New Year's Eve. What thoughts were running through my mind?

The same things that have been going thorugh my mind for the last ten years. Nothing much has changed. Okay, so maybe a lot has changed. But this one thing is still the same. I am still alone. Probably more alone now that I have ever been. At least, ten years ago I had Juan and Parker and Cindy and Leah. Even though at the time, I was beginning to lose Leah and Cindy. Now I have lost Parker and Juan. Probably forever. This morning, I found a list of phone numbers from when I started working. I tried calling the number that I had listed for Gabriel. I didn't think it would work. But, it was worth a try. And I was right, it didn't work.

Parker was always good at making me feel better. He would tell me that the guys at school were idiots and blind not to see what a great person I am. Juan, he was just a great buddy. Gabriel, however ... he was totally different from any guy I have ever known. He made me feel special. He made my heart skip a beat. He sent tingles down my spine. I have never felt that way before. Unfortunately, he never felt the same way towards me. Unfortunately, he never knew how I felt toward him. Unfortunately, I may never feel the same way about a guy again. Unfortunately, he was only just a friend. Unfortunately, he was just a coworker. Unfortunately, I will never see Gabriel again. Just like I will probably never see Parker again. He has completely disappeared from my life. Just like Gabriel. Just like Juan. Just like the current "Linus" in my life. After this week, I may never see him again. Well, I may. At holidays. But again, I may not.

The last guy who told me that he loved me was back in the twelfth grade. And it was only just as a friend. He only said that because we had been talking about his feelings for one of my friends. He didn't know what to do about it. But he was glad to have someone to talk to. Then he told me he loved me. What happened to him? He moved away. Then shortly after, we lost all contact. Recently, I found out that he moved to the Midwest. Again, never to be heard from again.

Notice the trend here? Maybe the problem isn't them. Maybe the problem is ...


Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I know most people hate wearing glasses. They hate how they look in glasses.

But for some guys, I think glasses look cute on them. I guess that means I have a glasses fetish. For example, I once saw a picture of Josh Groban with glasses on. It made my heart skip a beat. I loved how he looked with glasses. Not everyone looks good with glasses, I agree. But I still think glasses can enhance a person's look. For example ... I met this guy last year ... and I didn't know he wore glasses till the second time I saw him. I thought he looked nicer with the glasses on. I completely forgot about it since it was a long time before I saw him again. No glasses, of course. Then I stumbled across the picture of him with his glasses and it reminded me of how good he looked with glasses on. The first couple of guys I had crushes on back in middle school ... all wore glasses!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Two days left

At last year's New Year's Eve party ... right after we rang in the new year ... I made a special New Year's resolution. I've got two days left. It's not going to happen. That's okay. I'll just make the same resolution for next year. Okay, so it's not really a New Year's resolution. More like a wish. More like a desire. More like a longing.

Remember the scene in "Little Women" where Laurie is taking Amy to her Aunt March right after they find out that Beth has scarlet fever. And Amy says that she's never been kissed. She didn't want to die without ever being kissed. That's how I feel. It's not much. It's not a big deal. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.

Another year. Who knows what this year will bring.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I bother? I just checked one of my friend's pages ... and I looked at Alpha's top friends ... and I'm not even in the first ten. I've known Alpha longer than anyone in Alpha's top ten .... if you average the years Alpha's known them, I've still known Alpha much longer. Why am I surprised? I really shouldn't be. It's always been like this. Like in high school. I would go to Alpha's page ... and Alpha listed all of Alpha's friends around the border of the page. Naturally ... I didn't rank high enough to make that list. Funny. Even in college, Alpha would say I was probably the person who knew what was going on in Alpha's life. You'd think I'd figure this out by now. I keep Alpha at an arm's distance. Yet it still hurts to see that I don't matter that much to Alpha. Why does it still hurt? You'd think the distance would soften the blows.

I just read a book where the main character tries to avoid a relationship with this amazing guy. She was still hurting from losing the love of her life three years ago. Her life had never been easy. But, she thought she had found the man of her dreams and that her life would finally get the happy ending she always wanted. Then it all went crashing down when she lost her fiance. At that point in her life, she stopped believing in happy endings. She stopped dreaming and hoping and wishing.

I feel like that. Like I have no hope for a happy ending. That my dreams will never come true. That my wishes aren't going to come true. I feel like Kelly from the book does before Mitch walks into her life. That all I can do is try to live my life as it is. Alone. That I should be just resigned to it. I'm not going to find Prince Charming. Actually, I already have given up on Prince Charming and fairy tales. Prince Charming only exist in fairy tales. And fairy tales aren't real. I've given up on fairy tales and happy endings. I should just resign myself to a life that is just my own. Face it. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, however long or short it may be. I'll always be spending holidays and special occasions with someone else's family. Never my own. I'll always feel out of place because I haven't find my place in this world. I just want to find a nice person to call my own. I just want to find a nice person to spend the rest of my life with. But, let's face it. It's not going to happen. Not now. Not ever.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!

As I was leaving work the other day, my boss asked me what I was doing for Christmas. I told her that I was spending it with Nina's family. She said, "awww, you're family doesn't celebrate Christmas, either?" I know, we've gone over this before. How my family doesn't celebrate anything. At least I have Nina's family to celebrate things with. We had dinner on Christmas Eve with Nina's extended family as well. That being the family that sponsored Nina's mother when she first came to the states. They're family to them too. We had dinner and then played some games. We played Cranium (me & Nina vs Harold & Dominic vs Jonathan & Justin). It was a close game between Nina & I and Jonathan & Justin. Harold & Dominic were behind for awhile and then caught up. We also opened presents. I wasn't expecting much. Well, I got more than I expected. I was pleasantly surprised. I usually don't expect anything for Christmas. After Cranium, we played a game of Mafia. Jonathan wanted to play so I narrated instead. It was hilarious. During the night phase of the game, you're not supposed to say anything. Jack, however ... forgets that part of the game. When he got the "medic" card ... he's supposed to point to the person he's supposed to save. However, he'd forget ... and say the person's name instead. Of course, that gave away his card and told everyone he was the medic. After mafia, Jonathan, Nina, Harold, and I played a game of Spoons.

After Spoons, Jonathan, Nina, Harold, and I settled down and played a game of Risk. It took us about three hours to play it. It was the first time for Jonathan. We taught him how to play. And he ended up winning. Not only did he finish his missions ... he controlled Australia, Asia, Europe, and Africa ... in that order. We didn't up going to bed till almost two in the morning. Like I said, it was a long game. But it was still fun.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Here's to Nando Parrado and Roberto Canessa

I cannot imagine what these men went through ... to save their lives ... and the lives of the other survivors of the Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 that crashed in the Andes Mountain on October 13, 1972. The odds were against them. It was virtually impossible that anyone could have survived that plane crash. It was virtually impossible that anyone could survive in the mountains for three months on nothing but little squares of chocolate and a cap of wine. They were given up for dead. The only way out was to hike out of the mountains themselves. Even the rescuers could not believe the feat that these two men accomplished. It was not humanly possible that these two men could have trekked out of the Valley of the Tears. But they did. Their story, as gruesome and tragic as it may be, is an amazing story. A story that should never be forgotten.

On this day, thirty-six years ago, these men walked not only out of the Andes Mountains ... but emerged from death to reclaim their lives. On this day, thirty-six years ago, these men delivered a Christmas miracle to their fellow survivors and their families. These men were the modern day Lazaruses.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Only eighteen days left

To get my new year's resolution done.

And it's not going to happen.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dodgers host Fabulous Fiftieth Event

And fabulous it was!

I found out about the event a few weeks ago via e-mail. The day came to put in my reservation ... and I nearly forgot about it! How was I invited? Because I purchased a mini-plan this year. I RSVP'ed for five people, since I didn't know who would want and who could come with me. Figured I could fit five people total in my car. Turns out I didn't need a reservation for five. Two was enough.

Since the event started at noon, Kevin and I were a hour late. The first thing we had to do was check in. They were set up right outside center field. We didn't get very far into the stadium after we checked in. The first thing we did was check out the "Holiday sale" that was going on. They had all sorts of things on sale. For the most part, they were selling things that were left over from their give-away nights. They had bobble heads for two or three dollars. Since I got most of them already, I only got the Joe Torre bobble head. They had a few fleece blankets for sale. I got a few Build-a-Bear teddies that they were giving away to kids, Russell Martin batting practice jerseys, and the Team photo calendar! I was really excited to get some of the give-aways that I wasn't able to get before. After we paid for our things, we went back to the car to put them away. Good thing we didn't park that far.

We went inside the stadium and checked out what was going on. We took tons of photos. We started on the outfield, then went into the dugout, and then the infield. We started with the pitching mound, the grass, and then second base. We were trying to figure out what to do. We noticed a group on the field level concourse. We headed that way and discovered that this was where they were holding the autograph signings. So, we got in line. The line wrapped around one side of the wall and then on the other side of the wall. There were tables set up, one table for each player. While we waited in line, I saw Roberto in line ahead of us. We chatted for a bit before the lines moved. While we were in line, the two ladies behind us had to leave to take their photo with Tommy Claus (aka Tommy Lasorda dressed as Santa Claus). The security guard let them back in, but told them not to leave the line again. I was showing Kevin what I brought to get signed. They saw the picture of Andre and asked me where I got it. I told them that I took it. They couldn't believe it. I offered to send it to them. While we waited, Matt Kemp showed up with a beanie on. Super cute. When we got around the wall, James McDonald, Matt Kemp, Ron Cey, Tommy Davis, Andre Ethier, and Delwyn Young were signing autographs. Matt Kemp must've just switched with another player. When Kevin and I got to the front of the line, Delwyn Young asked one of the security guards a question. He pointed out the answer to him and escorted him around the line. Pee Wee and to go take a wee wee. Kevin and I wanted to wait for Delwyn to come back, but they were going to cut off the line to change the players. So we went on.

Next in line was Andre "Smoking Hot" Ethier. He looked at the picture I brought and said it was a nice picture, and he especially liked the dirt on his face. After Andre was Derrell Thomas. He was switching with Ron Cey, who had just left. I think it was Ron Cey. Kevin had already moved onto Matt Kemp, but I wanted to wait for Derrell Thomas to settle in. Then it was Matt Kemp's turn. I apologized for holding up the line. Matt Kemp said, "that's okay. I've got plenty of time. I've got nowhere else to be." I opened my gigantic scrapbook to his page, where I had an article taped, two baseball cards, and a photo. I told him that he could pick something to sign. I couldn't make up my mind. I told Andre the same thing, and he signed the photo. Matt Kemp asked me what I wanted to get signed, and I ended up picking the article since it was in the scrapbook. He noticed one of the baseball cards and commented that he never seen that card before. I contemplated on asking him if he wanted it and to let him have it. But I decided that I'll just wait till I get another one. After Matt Kemp was James McDonald. He's the newest of all the guys who showed up.

After that, Kevin and I sat in the field seats to get things together. That was when I noticed there were some guys at the FSN booth. We headed that way, and sure enough. There was my buddy Steve Lyons. Charlie Steiner and Kevin Kennedy were there too. I talked to Steve a bit before having him sign a photo of him and me from last year. I mentioned that I knew someone who knew him back in high school. Then I asked Kevin Kennedy and Charlie Steiner to sign the scrapbook too. I think it was Kevin or maybe someone else who commented on Charlie signing with his left hand. While Charlie was signing, they were also trying to take a group photo. As soon as he finished signing, he looked up for the group photo. I've been looking everywhere to see if I could find a photo to see if my scrapbook is in the photo or not. Right after, I called Diane to tell her where I was and who I just saw and spoke with. Then I told her to hold on. I brought the phone to Steve and said, I've got someone on the phone who would like to speak with you if you don't mind. They talked for a bit. Then Kevin and I ventured around the field again. We stopped by this cute little car/cart that was in the shape of a baseball. Got some ice cream. Took pictures on the blue Dodger fire engine. Then look who comes strolling across the field. Delwyn Young. He did a quick interview. We waited for him to see if he would sign some autographs and take pictures with us, since we missed him in the line.

After that, Kevin and I got in line for the tour around the stadium. We didn't have to wait long. The tour was cool. It took us inside the stadium, the press box, and the sweet suite seats. After the tour, we got our food and left. We also stopped by the booth where they were selling the postseason shirts. We should've stopped sooner. They were out of a lot of sizes. They were selling the postseason shirts for four for fifteen dollars. Kevin and I pooled our money. And we were a quarter short! I scrounged around my purse for the last quarter ... and then a lady next to us gave us a dollar!! That was so nice of her. We left and were walking on cloud nine. It was one of the best Dodger events I've ever been to.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

It feels like forever

Since I last posted in here. Guess since the Dodgers are having a quiet offseason then so am I. Actually. It hasn't been that quiet for me. I just haven't gotten around to posting on here. In fact, I've been quite busy with the pen and paper.

So, real quick.

I've been going through a lot lately. Some of it has been reflective. Most of it self inflicted. A lot of it internal. For about a week and a half, I felt like I was walking around in a fog. A really dense fog. It was like I had these huge weights on me. Then, one day, it was like it was all gone. Okay, so not all gone. The weights, the baggage, it was still there. They were still there. But it didn't seem as bad. I don't know if I can explain what I was feeling or what I was going through. But at the time, I was having a really hard time with it. I still am. But it seems easier now. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, things got really blurry and muddled. And now even though I'm still dealing with the same things, it feels like my vision got clearer, like my mind got clearer. So, does any of that make any sense?

About the same time I posted my last entry, things felt like they just went downhill superquick. It was like I was walking through quicksand and I couldn't get out. Then that following weekend, I got a bomb dropped on me. For a few weeks now, I've been waiting to hear news on a relative. Things didn't look good. But there was a little hope still. And for awhile, I was hoping that no news would be good news. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I haven't told anyone yet about this. Just one person knows so far. I've been putting off talking to my boss about taking time off to see this relative. But I'm not even sure if and when I will be able to visit. I want to. Just not sure when. And when I do, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to say or do. The first two days after hearing the news, it wasn't easy. I cried a lot. Not because I was super close to my relative. But I cried, nonetheless.

It goes without saying that things have been feeling like my world is crashing down all around me. And in some ways, I still feel that way. But like I said before. Even though everything is crashing down around me, I'm okay with it now. I guess you can say I have a peace in the midst of my storm. I'm not quite sure if peace is the right word. I don't know what I'm trying to say. That's how it's been for the last few weeks.