Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Two hours and twenty minutes left

Till the New Year. That means I have two hours and twenty minutes left before my 2008 New Year's resolution goes incompleted. That's okay. I can make the same resolution for 2009.

A few thoughts to finish out 2008.

No matter how fast you drive, you can't drive away from your feelings. No matter how loud the music is, you can't drown out your thoughts. No matter how fast you run, you can't run from yourself. These were the thoughts that was going through my mind while I was driving over to my friend's house for New Year's Eve. What thoughts were running through my mind?

The same things that have been going thorugh my mind for the last ten years. Nothing much has changed. Okay, so maybe a lot has changed. But this one thing is still the same. I am still alone. Probably more alone now that I have ever been. At least, ten years ago I had Juan and Parker and Cindy and Leah. Even though at the time, I was beginning to lose Leah and Cindy. Now I have lost Parker and Juan. Probably forever. This morning, I found a list of phone numbers from when I started working. I tried calling the number that I had listed for Gabriel. I didn't think it would work. But, it was worth a try. And I was right, it didn't work.

Parker was always good at making me feel better. He would tell me that the guys at school were idiots and blind not to see what a great person I am. Juan, he was just a great buddy. Gabriel, however ... he was totally different from any guy I have ever known. He made me feel special. He made my heart skip a beat. He sent tingles down my spine. I have never felt that way before. Unfortunately, he never felt the same way towards me. Unfortunately, he never knew how I felt toward him. Unfortunately, I may never feel the same way about a guy again. Unfortunately, he was only just a friend. Unfortunately, he was just a coworker. Unfortunately, I will never see Gabriel again. Just like I will probably never see Parker again. He has completely disappeared from my life. Just like Gabriel. Just like Juan. Just like the current "Linus" in my life. After this week, I may never see him again. Well, I may. At holidays. But again, I may not.

The last guy who told me that he loved me was back in the twelfth grade. And it was only just as a friend. He only said that because we had been talking about his feelings for one of my friends. He didn't know what to do about it. But he was glad to have someone to talk to. Then he told me he loved me. What happened to him? He moved away. Then shortly after, we lost all contact. Recently, I found out that he moved to the Midwest. Again, never to be heard from again.

Notice the trend here? Maybe the problem isn't them. Maybe the problem is ...


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