Wednesday, December 03, 2008

It feels like forever

Since I last posted in here. Guess since the Dodgers are having a quiet offseason then so am I. Actually. It hasn't been that quiet for me. I just haven't gotten around to posting on here. In fact, I've been quite busy with the pen and paper.

So, real quick.

I've been going through a lot lately. Some of it has been reflective. Most of it self inflicted. A lot of it internal. For about a week and a half, I felt like I was walking around in a fog. A really dense fog. It was like I had these huge weights on me. Then, one day, it was like it was all gone. Okay, so not all gone. The weights, the baggage, it was still there. They were still there. But it didn't seem as bad. I don't know if I can explain what I was feeling or what I was going through. But at the time, I was having a really hard time with it. I still am. But it seems easier now. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, things got really blurry and muddled. And now even though I'm still dealing with the same things, it feels like my vision got clearer, like my mind got clearer. So, does any of that make any sense?

About the same time I posted my last entry, things felt like they just went downhill superquick. It was like I was walking through quicksand and I couldn't get out. Then that following weekend, I got a bomb dropped on me. For a few weeks now, I've been waiting to hear news on a relative. Things didn't look good. But there was a little hope still. And for awhile, I was hoping that no news would be good news. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I haven't told anyone yet about this. Just one person knows so far. I've been putting off talking to my boss about taking time off to see this relative. But I'm not even sure if and when I will be able to visit. I want to. Just not sure when. And when I do, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to say or do. The first two days after hearing the news, it wasn't easy. I cried a lot. Not because I was super close to my relative. But I cried, nonetheless.

It goes without saying that things have been feeling like my world is crashing down all around me. And in some ways, I still feel that way. But like I said before. Even though everything is crashing down around me, I'm okay with it now. I guess you can say I have a peace in the midst of my storm. I'm not quite sure if peace is the right word. I don't know what I'm trying to say. That's how it's been for the last few weeks.

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