Sunday, December 28, 2008

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I bother? I just checked one of my friend's pages ... and I looked at Alpha's top friends ... and I'm not even in the first ten. I've known Alpha longer than anyone in Alpha's top ten .... if you average the years Alpha's known them, I've still known Alpha much longer. Why am I surprised? I really shouldn't be. It's always been like this. Like in high school. I would go to Alpha's page ... and Alpha listed all of Alpha's friends around the border of the page. Naturally ... I didn't rank high enough to make that list. Funny. Even in college, Alpha would say I was probably the person who knew what was going on in Alpha's life. You'd think I'd figure this out by now. I keep Alpha at an arm's distance. Yet it still hurts to see that I don't matter that much to Alpha. Why does it still hurt? You'd think the distance would soften the blows.

I just read a book where the main character tries to avoid a relationship with this amazing guy. She was still hurting from losing the love of her life three years ago. Her life had never been easy. But, she thought she had found the man of her dreams and that her life would finally get the happy ending she always wanted. Then it all went crashing down when she lost her fiance. At that point in her life, she stopped believing in happy endings. She stopped dreaming and hoping and wishing.

I feel like that. Like I have no hope for a happy ending. That my dreams will never come true. That my wishes aren't going to come true. I feel like Kelly from the book does before Mitch walks into her life. That all I can do is try to live my life as it is. Alone. That I should be just resigned to it. I'm not going to find Prince Charming. Actually, I already have given up on Prince Charming and fairy tales. Prince Charming only exist in fairy tales. And fairy tales aren't real. I've given up on fairy tales and happy endings. I should just resign myself to a life that is just my own. Face it. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, however long or short it may be. I'll always be spending holidays and special occasions with someone else's family. Never my own. I'll always feel out of place because I haven't find my place in this world. I just want to find a nice person to call my own. I just want to find a nice person to spend the rest of my life with. But, let's face it. It's not going to happen. Not now. Not ever.

No comments: