Saturday, March 29, 2008

Pictures from my first game of 2008

Yes, Russ ... it's quite nippy for March, isn't it? But I'll keep you warm ;-)

First glimpse of Andre! I think he's signing some baseballs for someone
Go long! Go long!
Glimpse of Russell in the bullpen...

This is in the left field pavilion, on the way to the bathrooms

So close ... yet so far away

Wonder what's on that TV

They circled Furcal and they were like hopping around. It was funny and cute ... wish I had gotten a picture or video of the thing

Loney and Kent during the National Anthem

The Dodgers' dug out

The rest of the Dodgers. How many cane you name?

Russell's first at-bat

Juan Pierre threw a ball into the stands and it landed on the lap of guy on the right

Russell avoids getting hit by a pitch

Furcal is wondering how in the world did he get caught stealing second to end the inning while Andre Ethier is in the batter's box

Hooray! Happy days are here! Pierre is gone and now Andre is in left field!

It's probably colder now than it was before

Run Andre run!

Andre slides into second, he's safe but Hu's out at first

He needs a moment

Recovering from the slide

I'm sure the guys around him need a moment too

Yay! Andre scores the second run of the game (off a double by Jeff Kent)!

Yes, Andre dear ... that's what happens when you slide. Your uniform gets dirty

Okay, I know I know ... lots of pictures of their behinds. That's what happens when you're sitting in the pavilions and all you see is their back

I apologize for the grainy quality of the pictures. But that's what happens when you have to zoom in tons and don't have any telephoto lens. Sigh. One day.

1 - 0 !!! Yay!!!

Dodgers win! Dodgers win!

Okay, so technically it's an exhibition game. But it's my first game of the year. I've been looking forward to this game for so long. I bought the tickets over a month ago and picked them up this last week. Apparently the tickets I bought were mailed out on the third of March. I never received them, at least that I know of. So I called ticketmaster and they voided the ones that were sent and claimed them as lost. They told me I could pick up my tickets at the box office at Dodger Stadium. So I did.

Today, it felt like I was constantly running late. I got up late. Then I was late picking up Kevin, Nina, and Harold. Jack called at the last minute, but I was still late in going. I had to go to WalGreens to get a transistor radio because the one I had from last year was broken. In the meanwhile, I figured it would be a good idea to get extra batteries for my camera. However, I didn't expect the lady in front of me to take forever checking out! She was having issues with a coupon and whatever it was she was buying. One of the other workers finally found someone to check me out because she was taking forever. Then I had to get Kevin, who didn't have his phone with him. After that, I drove to Chinatown to get my mom. And she wasn't ready either. Finally, we got to Sherisse's to get her. By then, we were on schedule. We got to Dodger Stadium and waited for them to open the gate to the parking lot. They must be doing batting practice differently because usually the Left Field Pavilion is open by the time I get there. Yeah I just checked their website and the schedule's the same. Huh. Maybe it just didn't open on time today.

When we got there, it didn't feel like it had been six months since my last game. It felt like it was just last week or so that I had been there. LOL yep, it felt like I was home again. When we finally got in, the Red Sox were taking batting practice. Sherisse was like in shock or something for a few seconds. She just stood there and took it all in. Kevin stood like in the fifth row or so to try and get some bp balls. I don't know if he got close to any. I had three chances. The first two weren't great because other guys got to the ball first. HOWEVER this other one ... I was standing there and saw it coming. I knew it was going to bounce. I just didn't know which way it would go or how high. Well, I took off for it and no one else was really around. Just as I was watching the ball bounce, this other guy (much older than me and he had glasses) came out of nowhere and we collided on the bleachers as we both went for the ball. He, being taller and bigger than I, ended up with the ball. Though he may have hit his chin on the bleacher. Everyone around me told me that I should've gotten it, that it was totally mine.

Onto the game... let's see... it was a low-scoring game. The Dodgers scored three runs on seven hits. The Red Sox scored one run on three hits, and committed one error. Andre Ethier scored two of the three Dodger runs. In fact, he scored the first and second of the three Dodger runs. Russell didn't get any hits. :-( Matt Kemp stole a base ... though at first it looked like he hesitated, because he stopped and then kept going. Even though there weren't a lot of hits, there sure were plenty of strike outs and walks. Billingsley earned seven of the Dodger's eight strikeouts. Each team gave up four walks. Each team also hit a batter (Ramirez on the Red Sox, Kemp on the Dodgers). During the top of an inning, Juan Pierre threw the ball he was warming up with into the Left Field stands. Somehow it bounced into our area and landed on the lap of one of the gentlemen sitting two rows in front of us. It literally just bounced onto his lap. He must've been surprised to see all these guys surrounding him as they were going after the ball. One of the guys realized where the ball landed, immediately pulled back and I think he even apologized. You could see the look of shock on his face when the realization hit him and how bad he felt for pouncing on the old man. Since we were sitting by the aisle, I happened to recognize someone going up the aisle. It was one of the guys I was hanging around with at the February Caravan at Yankee Doodles. I don't think he saw or recognized me. But I recognized him, his two kids, and his brother. Quite a coincidence, don't you think?

The Sons of Steve Garvey are asking for help for the coliseum game. They're not going to be there. Sadly neither am I. So, if anyone is going ... please please take loads of photos! I want to see what that game is going to be like, even though I can't go. And since I'm closing, I probably won't get much of the game at all.

Ok I tried to upload some photos... but it didn't work. So I'll upload them tomorrow

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Who's the shortstop?

Uh.... isn't that Chin-lung Hu?

Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Hong-Chih Kuo throws out Milwaukee Brewers Ryan Braun from the hole behind second base in the fifth inning of their spring training baseball game Tuesday, March 25, 2008, in Phoenix.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

In case you missed it...

Former Dodger Randy Wolf pitched six shut out innings in a Padres game against the Angels. His brother Jim was the first base umpire.

Former Dodger Mark Hendrickson is going to be the Opening Day Starter for the Florida Marlins. Are you serious? Mark Hendrickson? Is this the same guy? His sports' psychologist must've been working overtime with him during the offseason.

Pitcher Rudy Seanez was released. No more confusions between Seanez the pitcher and Saenz the pinch-hitter, since neither of them are with the team anymore. No more confusing pronunciations of Mr. Seanez's last name too.

Back at last!

After being internet-less for several days, I am back! I am alive. My room did not eat me up.

As I said in my last post, I had to clear my room out. Turns out ... the only thing I kept from before was my white bookcase ... which is still questionable. I gave my bed to my brother. Nina offered me one of theirs. The dresser is still in the back yard. I'd love to sand that down and paint it! It would take a lot of work though. And I did put together a desk that I bought last year (or was it longer) that has been sitting in the backyard. My cousin took the desk and tried to put it in his room. He screwed it up, because it's supposed to be a L-shape desk. Some of the holes where the screws go in got messed up. When I tried to put the desk up, it fell on me. Now I filled some of the holes with wood filler and it's fine. I think.

Something interesting happened at work today. These three young girls came in. They probably were no older than seventeen. Had to be high school age. I greeted them, they said hi back. And after a few minutes, I began to wonder where they went. When I got closer to the fitting room, all three came rushing out. They weren't in street clothes, but in black formal dresses. One of them made a comment like "they must be wondering what we're doing." Because, my manager and I were wondering. They didn't say thank you, didn't ask for permission ... just walked in and used our fitting rooms as a public changing place.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

No more stadium seating

In my room.

It has been said by a few of my pals that my room has so much stuff in it, that it's stadium seating only. Sherisse onces came over, sat down in one part of my room and got trapped. I was moving stuff around and she was unable to get out. Nina had a similar situation yesterday. Why? She was helping me clean out my room, along with Harold and Kevin. She found herself surrounded by my bed, two bookcases, and some plastic containers. She was surrounded with no way out. Why is my room finally getting cleaned out? It's getting painted. All the rooms in our house are getting painted. My dad told me to get some friends to help. He gave me money to buy them food. And said he'd give them some money later.

So, I got Kevin, Nina, and Harold and six more containers. We started working, three hours later, we stopped for lunch. Got four more containers. I had to pick up my mom and brother. We had to stop for prayer meeting. Harold and Nina went home. Kevin stayed for another hour. Then I had to take him home. Then I came back and worked for another hour and a half.

This is the chance I've been waiting for. I can finally get rid of some of the furniture in my room. In fact, if I could, I'd get rid of it all and replace them with new stuff. But I can't. So I'm keeping my bed ... maybe a book case, a dresser, and I don't know yet about my desk. We'll see. I have a new desk that my cousin tried to put together in his room. But he messed it up. And I told him he couldn't have my desk unless he paid for it. So, I'm hoping we'll be able to put it together in my room. But since my room isn't being painted till tomorrow instead of today ... I don't know if I'll be able to put the desk together after all. We'll see. I'll post pictures later. And no, I didn't take any "before" pictures.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

In case you missed it...

The Dodgers are playing the Padres right now in China. The score right now is Dodgers 3, Padres 5. It's the bottom of the fifth. Matt Kemp batted in the three Dodger runs. Eric Stults started off well. Started being the key word. In the first inning, he struck out the first three batters. As the game went on, the Padres' bat came alive. There was also a two-base error when two of our outfielders (George Lombard and Xavier Paul) went after a fly ball. They avoided colliding with each other, but they also missed the ball.

George Lombard hit the first major league home run on foreign soil yesterday. The Padres and Dodgers finished the game yesterday in a 3-3 tie. It ended with a "gentleman's handshake". It was announced during the game that they were only going to play nine innings. The crowd did what any crowd would do. Boo.

Tommy Lasorda's B Team finally won a game. They had a couple close ones this week. Ethier hit his fourth home run of the spring. Martin hit his first home run yesterday.

And here's my favorite. I knew Randy Wolf would be on the mound for the Padres yesterday. So imagine my surprise when I turned the game on and they said there were two Wolf's (Wolves?) on the field. Randy was on the mound. His brother Jim was the umpire behind the plate. You'll never see this in a regular season game. But since it's an exhibition (spring training) game, all's fair. Sweet. I would've loved to have seen this. I hope someone got a picture of the two brothers together.

Charlie Steiner: If I was a member of the duck family, this isn't the place to be.
Yum. I haven't had duck in forever. It's soooo good!

They were also talking about the time change. When they flew into China, they lost a day (Thursday). Now that they're flying back to Arizona, they get to have two Sundays. They leave China at 8 PM Sunday night and arrive in Arizona at 6 PM Sunday night. Time changes. Confusing.

Charlie also talked about the Great Wall and how he wanted to buy some things while they were in China. But all he got were two baseball caps commemorating the game. He also talked about going on a rick shaw ride.

I hope Randy goes on the Scott and BR show this week. And I hope they ask him about what it was like to pitch in a game where his brother was the home plate umpire.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Gotta love Scott and BR

Randy's been on the team only a few months and already they have three interviews with him?? They rock!

The latest one was released after Randy's outing yesterday, which he lowered his ERA from over 40 something to 16!

Randy Wolf
03/04/08 8:25am THE WOLF is coming DIrectly to the Padres. Scott & BR's newest and favorite Padre stops by to talk Pulp Fiction, Snoop Dog, and more along with David Wells.

This Randy Wolf one isn't listed in their archive.

Why aren't I in bed yet?

It's 3:05 AM. I've been up since 6:45 AM. Why aren't I in bed yet?

Let's see.

Maybe a bottle of Starbucks' frappucino (coffe flavored), a grande white chocolate mocha, another bottle of Starbucks' frappucino (caramel flavor this time), and a grande peppermint white mocha might have something to do with it.

Trust me. I had the first two before work ... I was bouncing off the walls.

Rest of the day ... went by in a haze.

Now ... my mind just keeps spinning...

Mostly being chased by memories, ghosts, and skeletons in the closet


I'm finally getting around to some of my old photos ...

Saturday, March 08, 2008

In case you missed it...

I love listening to the Scott and BR show!

Randy Wolf
03/04/08 8:25am THE WOLF is coming DIrectly to the Padres. Scott & BR's newest and favorite Padre stops by to talk Pulp Fiction, Snoop Dog, and more along with David Wells.

Andre Ethier
02/25/08 7:00am Has the clubhouse bickering stopped under new Dodgers manager Joe Torre and who is favored to win the starting outfield jobs outside of Andrew Jones? Andre Ethier checked in from Vero Beach.

Tommy Lasorda
02/28/08 9:36am He's entering his 59th baseball season with the Dodgers and will return to the bench when the team goes to China. The great Tommy Lasorda discussed the last spring training at legendary Vero Beach.

Another Randy Wolf one. And of course ... Brett Favre's emotional retirement press conference.

You can find the newest audio files at, under lineup.

GUESS WHAT I FOUND ONLINE??? The video clip to when Russell was on Extra, as one of America's most eligible bachelors!


This customer came in with her mother and two kids. Her kids were out of control. They were being kids. They wouldn't sit down. They would run around the store. I guess each having their own Nintendo DS wasn't enough to keep them occupied. The lady was upset and talked in a very raised voice the entire time she was in the store. It was more of a yell than a raised voice. Here's what I could gather.

They were at another store. One of her kids dropped something. She "yelled" at the kid. An associate at the store reprimanded her, telling her she shouldn't be "yelling" at the kid. The customer didn't appreciate the associate telling her how to raise her kid. She told the associate it was a free country and she could do what she liked. There was something about a camera, and taking pictures, but it turned out to be nothing. The customer also said something about the associate talking to her in Spanish. The customer said the associate followed them and was harassing them. She told this to another customer in our store, and our lead associate. The customer calls security. Three security guys come. They escort her to the store where this incident happened. She came back somewhere between 30 and 60 minutes later. Where were her two kids and her mother while she was gone? In our store. Driving the rest of us nuts. We even saw one of the kids hit the grandma. Who in the world has the nerve to hit their grandmother??? Okay, so if this kid was like really little and didn't know better ... but this kid was definitely old enough to know better.

Lesson to be learned? It's not our job as associate to tell parents how to treat their kids. First off, the mother "yelled", not hit. And of course, we were only hearing this from her side of the story. Who knows what the associate's side of the story sounds like. Second of all, her kids could not be controlled. And she was yelling at them while she was in the store.

My boss made a comment earlier because there was another little family in our store earlier. It was another grandma, mom, and two kids. However, this time, one of the kids was a little baby ... probably just a few months old at most. The other one was a toddler, old enough to be walking on her own. Probably which was why she had one of those kiddie leashes on. I don't know about you ... but kids really shouldn't be put in leashes. Funny thing was, earlier I saw this lady pushing her dog around in a stroller. Strange world we live in. Anyway, she said if you can't control your kids, maybe you shouldn't have any. This little girl was really cute. She was in a mood when they came in, didn't want to say hi, wanted her mom to carry her. After a few minutes, she warmed up to us. She waved by to me several times. She was really cute. There was another couple today who had a boy with them. I think there might've been something wrong, either that or he had ADHD. But I kept my thoughts to myself there. What tipped me off? His behavior. Can't really explain it. It's one of those had to be there things.

The crazy lady came in today. Believe me. She comes to our store two or three times a week. She looks crazy. And if I was a little kid, I'd run screaming for my mommy just seeing her. I saw her walk past our store and said, "oh no. She's here." Yup, she came in and browsed around for about thirty or more minutes. Stared at me while I was stamping some things. I couldn't wait for her to leave. At least I didn't have to face Big Hair lady again. Phew.


Stealing this from Shelley's...


I'm a hopeless romantic - but I'm hopeless in the romance department

I like my job - just don't like some of my customers

I want to talk about my feelings - prefer to write about them

I want to share my feelings with others - write them in my journal instead

I like to put things in order - but my room is a complete disaster zone

I love taking pictures - but hate being in them

I hate going to sleep - hate getting up more

I'm not attracted to Asian guys - I'm Asian(Chinese-American)

I hate being late - but I don't get up early enough to be early

I love to read - just not books for school

I love to write - but they're for my own eyes only

I want others to read what I write - but I'm afraid to let them

I want to have kids one day - but afraid I won't be a good mom

I want to get married one day - but afraid I don't know how to love

I want to have a wedding - just don't know how to do it

I want someone to walk me down the aisle - just not my dad

I love to smile and laugh - but I hate my own smile and laugh

I get great ideas - but never follow through them to the finish

I love to sing - just not in front of others

I'm not a people person - but don't like to be alone

I love to travel - but I get lost wherever I go

I love to play baseball - but have a fear of balls flying at me

When I was younger, I acted older - now that I'm older, I'm acting younger

This was fun to do - but hard to really think about some of it

Thursday, March 06, 2008

John Marshall High School

Body: Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Who was your best friend?
Ummm my journal?

2.What sports did you play?
None - unless marching band counts

3. What kind of car did you drive?
Are you kidding?! I was terrified of driving until college

4. It's Friday night...where r U?
Same place we were every Friday night, Pinkie. At church.
*Unless it was during football season, then it was at the football game. Hello. Marching band.

5. Were you a party animal?
Hah. I didn't even know what party meant.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Haha .. no

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?

8. Did you ever get suspended/expelled?
Nope. Didn't even know where the dean's office was. In fact ... I probably spent more time in school than out.

9. Can you sing the school song?
No, but I did play it.

10. Who were your favorite teachers?
Parker (band). Szilagyi (English - hated the class, but she was a great teacher). Zimmermann (library).

11. Where did you sit during lunch?
Sit? I never sat down during lunch. I was always busy doing something in the band room.

12. What was your school's full name?
John Marshall High School

13. School mascot?
Barrister. Look up the name of the school and you'll understand

14. Did you go to Prom?
Yeah, I decided during the week before to go. It was cool

15. If you could go back and do it again, what would you change?
A lot of things. I would've dressed nicer, not let Fry get to me (maybe quit band altogether), took yearbook...

16. What do you remember most about graduation?
It was insanely hot.

17. Where did you go senior skip day?
Was I even in school on senior skip day? Year-round school, remember?

18. What clubs were you in?
Band ruled my life at that point.

19. Where did you go most often for lunch?
Band room. Most of the time I skipped lunch. Occasionally I'd suffer the long lines at the cafeteria. Then we started selling food in the band room. Cup o' noodles for me! (that's if I got a chance to eat, which wasn't often since I was the one doing all the selling)

20. Have you gained weight since then?
Oh, yeah.

21. Who was your Senior prom date?
No one, but I wish I had one.

22. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion?
Dunno yet.

23. Who will repost this?
No one

24. Who was your high school sweetheart?
Uhh my journal?

25. Are you still together????"

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

A lesson from Annie...

The sun'll come out / Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar / That tomorrow /There'll be sun

Just thinkin' about / Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs, / And the sorrow / 'Til there's none

When I'm stuck with a day /That's gray, /And lonely,
I just stick out my chin / And grin, / And say, / Oh

The sun'll come out / Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on /'Til tomorrow
Come what may

Yes, the sun has come up and chased away some of the gloom from last night. My neighbor took a look at my car and said it was probably the battery. He hooked his car up to mine and we tried. He checked and after half an hour, discovered he didn't hook our cars up right. Voila! Battery started, car started, and my car is okay again. At least that's fixed.

Comment left on friend's blog and a lot of rambling (warning ... will be depressing to some)

"Now you can't say no one reads this ... because people do. That's the nice thing about the internet and blogs. You can write down the things you want to say but can't actually say without being afraid to say it. Okay, never mind because you (and I'm using that word broadly not directly) are afraid to say it, but it's easier to say it in a blog than it is in person. Hello, I for one would know. Then again ... there's still a part of you (again broadly used) that's afraid to really say what's in your heart and in your head because you're afraid that maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there who will read what you wrote. Maybe they'll understand, maybe they won't. Does it help? Sometimes. Not all the times. Sometimes that's the great thing about being a girl. Once you've cried over it, talked about it (in some way, shape or form)... sometimes (just sometimes) it does feel better. But not always. Then again ... I find myself wondering sometimes if just maybe it's in the dark hours of the night is when we feel at our worst and things we think we feel are just exacerbated by the late hour. Because come morning ... it seems like the darkest hour has passed and the sun has come up again. It seems like everything you (broadly used here) felt the night before was just a memory. A bleak one at that. But it seems out of reach. Until the next time a dark cloud passes over in the dark of the night. Then it begins."

I left this comment on my friend's blog entry on myspace. Then I thought ... I ought to put this down in mine. Because it is something that I have thought about many a dark night. For example. Right now. It's 1:32 AM. This is the time when I usually write in my journal. Is it because it's the end of the day, or is it the only time of the day I find myself able to sit down and jot down my thoughts and feelings? But I find that especially at night, my thoughts and feelings tend to be darker than they would be during the day. Is it because it's late at night, and I'm the only one still up? Is that why I feel more alone because I should be asleep?

Like I was saying above ... I think that's one reason why I keep a journal. Because there are so many things that I want to say that I am afraid to say. That's probably one reason why I keep a blog. I can say a little bit of what I want and hope to get some feedback. It has always been easier for me to write what I want to say than it is to say it. Especially when it comes to my emotions. Because I tend to get emotional and then find it even harder to say what it is that is on my mind, or my heart at the moment. I think part of it is that I am afraid of what will happen if I say what I think. It seems like fear is such a big part of my life, the biggest one is the fear of failure. Of course, that's probably natural and the important thing is to not let that fear run my life.

But I look at my life and wonder ... where is it going? How did it get to where it is now? As much as I like my job, I don't know where to go from here. I'm afraid to try something else because what if I fail at that? Relationships, personal and otherwise, are not my forte. I probably tell more to my journals than I do to my friends. Forget about family relations. I have said it before, probably in my journal, that I feel like I live in a house with four other strangers than with family. I can't remember the last time I sat down with my family for a meal, like I do with Nina's family. I can't remember the last time we went out together as a family. I feel closer to my cousins than I do to my own siblings. The same goes for my uncles and my father. I bet many girls who imagine their perfect wedding usually imagine their father walking them down the aisle. I don't think I have ever pictured that. Ever. Hence, that's why I say if I ever find someone willing to marry me (not likely to happen but you never know) ... I wouldn't want a traditional church wedding. It would be too weird. I can not imagine my dad walking me down the aisle. I don't even know if I want him to. I had completely forgotten about a father's day several years ago. I had grown close to another person who I viewed as a father figure. So, on father's day, I called this person and left them a message on their answering machine. I'm not sure exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of wishing him a happy father's day because he was more a father to me than my own dad was. Where is he now? No longer in my life. Do I regret that? Very much. And it's probably a good thing I never had a boyfriend. I probably wouldn't make a good girlfriend anyway.

Then there's the dozens of notebooks and "journals" I have lying around. There are the ones that I have filled with stories that have never been completed. And the other "journals"... let's say those are for my eyes only. Because I don't know if anyone could understand why I keep them. And no, they're not the "dear diary" type of journals. They're something much different. I carry one around with me practically all the time, in case I find myself with some dead time to use to write in it. The funny thing is, people will see me write in it and ask me what is it? Is it a journal? What am I writing about? And the usual answer is some vague answer, like no it's not a journal and I can't tell them what I'm writing about.

Are you still following me? Probably not. I think that's also part of my problem. I seem to talk and ramble on about things that no one else cares about. Except me. It's not important to anyone else. Except me. So that makes me feel ... quite ... insignificant. Like I don't matter. Like I'm nobody important. Funny because that's how I've been feeling lately. A friend made a comment about my texting habits and so I quit texting that person. I even considered maybe not texting at all. After all, I texted three people who I haven't heard from in a long time. And yet no one has texted me back. Okay, I get it. People get busy. People have lives. Guess that's why I feel like more like a loser all the time. Because I devote so much time to trivial (I think that's the correct word) things like blogs and baseball. Okay, so maybe they're not so menial to some people, because they're not to me. Especially when it comes to blogging. Because I love to write. It's a love that has developed over the years and grown stronger. Hello. I did mention notebooks and journals filled with probably useless stuff. But it's a solace to me. Sometimes it's a great joy to me too.

I've probably written myself in circles now. I do that a lot in my personal journal. I'll start off on a topic and then lose myself in the entry. There'll be long rambles and I'll write myself in circles till I forget what it was that I wanted to write about in the first place. But it doesn't change. It hasn't change. Some of the same feelings I had back in high school are still around today. Though I think it's harder for me now than it was then because so much of me has changed. The people I had counted on back then for support are no longer around, whether it's because they've moved away, we've lost touched, or simply ... the bridges have been burned since then. And I have changed. That's natural. Change is the way of life. You can't go through life without change. All you have to do is try to change for the better. I don't think that's what happened in my case.

A friend from high school write in my senior year book: "Now that high school is over, I wanna say that I'm glad I meet you. You heart is made of gold and you were one of my few true friends. You always cared for me and always called me on my birthday. For all this and your friendship, I am glad. Never change and never forget me. I will always remember you. Love" his name.

It's been six years since we graduated. Six years since he wrote that. And six years since we last had contact. Okay, so not quite six years. But it will be six years come June. Where is he now? I don't know. Does he remember me? I don't know. Have I forgotten him? Obviously not. I still have special memories of him, memories that make me smile. And memories that make me wish I had done things differently. The same goes for a lot of guys actually. But that's in the past. And I can't change that. I can only learn from them and try to be a better person.

Sadly... I don't think my heart is made of gold anymore. I'm not sure if it was made of gold back then either. I don't know if anyone sees me the way he saw me then. Or my other friend who thought the world of me. That made me feel so incredibly ... I don't know how to describe how that made me feel. After all the years of feeling unimportant, I can't tell you how it felt to know someone felt the world of me. A lot has changed since then. One of the things was I am no longer sure if this person, who said that, was the same person I knew. Because I heard something about this person that I don't know if it's true. I spent a lot of time with this person. Thought I knew this person. I don't want to know if what was said was true. Because if it was true, then the person I knew wasn't really who he was. It would mean the person I knew was a lie. And I can't believe what I heard because I can't let go of the person I knew. I can't let the memory of this person be damaged by what was being said. Because I can't lose that. I can't lose this person who was so important to me. He may be lost to me now ... but his memory isn't. Does anyone get that? I would love to have this person in my life again. But that would mean finding out the truth. Was he really who I knew him to be? Or was it all a lie?

It was nice, knowing that I meant a lot to someone. Especially when I've played second fiddle so many times. There have been so many times when I have felt not good enough, not wanted. It's kinda like when you're getting ready to play a sport, like baseball or basketball... and it comes time to pick teams. Unfortunately, all my life, I was one of those kids who was picked last. Even as I got older and I knew I could play the sport pretty well, I still ended up getting picked last. I know it sounds silly. But I hate getting picked last. Another example, a friend of mine had a poll. It wasn't meant to be mean or a popularity contest. But of course I came in dead last. There are so many times it seems like I am least liked or most expendable. In some cases, I'm sure it's just my mind going into over-drive. Others cases, I'm not so sure. It's like all my life, I've always been that third wheel that no one wants. It's in those moments that I think about deleting my bebo account, in deleting my blog. It's in those moments that I think about getting rid of whatever it is that I'm doing that people don't like. Like my camera. I'm a known shutter-bug, or paparazzi as some may call it. In those moments, I think about leaving my camera at home. That way I don't have this horrible reputation as the girl who has to take pictures of everything and everyone. That's just one of my many flaws I guess.

There are a lot of things on my mind, and in my heart, that usually is left unsaid. Sometimes it's better that way, isn't it?

Okay, so this blog is a little more personal than I intended. And probably a lot more personal than any of my readers have seen. Unlike my friend who thinks no one reads his blog, I know people come across mine. In fact, I know there are a few friends out there who do read this. The funny things is ... I also know there are people who stumble across my blog by doing a google search on something else entirely. So I apologize if you came to this blog looking for something else and ended up with this too long blog entry.

And to borrow from my friend's blog who started me on this whole entry ...

there is no real way to end a blog that is on this subject so i just might put down something a little dumb

....and he leaves the blog feeling no better than he had before.

And for anyone who's curious to know. It's now 2:42

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

My car!!!

Is not working. It won't start.

It happened a little before two o'clock this afternoon. My mom needed me to leave the house this morning around nine. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car for about two hours. Then it got too hot to stay in there. So I rolled down some windows. Then I started my car, drove around the block and parked under some shade. Then around 1:40 my brother calls me for me to go get him. I try to start the car and the result was a sound like a machine gun. That was it. Engine didn't turn over. Nothing. Except that rattling noise like a machine gun. It still won't start. I don't know what to do.