Saturday, February 08, 2014
My mom passed away three weeks ago today from liver disease. Even before she passed away, I was already thinking, she's never gonna see me or my siblings get married, hold any of her grand kids... Like sometime else said, those lost opportunities. There are times when I think I'll never go a day without crying. I miss her everyday. Especially at night. For me, night time is always the hardest. The house is dark and quiet. I'm no longer listening for her to call out if she needs me. And its at night when I realize, I haven't seen her today and I remember she's gone. I know I haven't written I'm two years. That was shortly before I found out the first time my mom had a liver disease. She was managing it until last September when she got sick again. This time, there was no getting better. There were weekly trips, mostly in three middle of the night, to the ER. There were several long hospital stays. And finally, hospice care at home. It was three weeks ago this moment that I came home and was taking care of her when she passed. I don't think I'll ever get that moment out of my head. I wish I had known those were going to be her last moments. Some days, it didn't feel like its been the weeks. Sometimes it feels like it was just last week. Other times, it feels like months and years have passed. Yet the days fly by like seconds. I miss her telling me to drive safe every time I left for work. I miss her scolding me for not taking a jacket when its cold outside. I miss her voice. Even the last few weeks, her voice wasn't the same. The woman I was taking care of wasn't the same woman who took care of me. She was slipping away so quickly. And she did slip away so quick, too quickly that I didn't even know until it was too late. At Christmas time, I couldn't listen to the song "the Christmas shoes" because it was too close to what I was going through. I knew this was going to be the last Christmas with her, even though our family didn't celebrate it. We never celebrated Christmas, not that I can remember. But still, I didn't want to think that she wasn't going to be around for the next one. No one is ever prepared to lose a loved one. That's why its called a loss. Losing is a difficult thing. Its not supposed to be easy. I had a lot of time to think about this. Even if she lived another ten out twenty years, I still wouldn't be ready to lose her. No one ever is ready, no matter the age. Yes, we can be thankful she is no longer suffering. She is no longer in pain. towards the end, she hated getting pricked and stuck with a needle. She was getting so weak. Sure, I would have gladly taken care of her for much longer if that meant more time with her. But, that would've also meant she would've got sicker and suffered so much more. And that wouldn't have been fair to her. I miss her every day. I'll always miss her. There's a piece of my heart that is missing, a piece that only she could fill. A piece that belonged only to her. I go on and hold everything together... And then that moment comes and I fall apart. And its okay. Sometimes I need to fall apart for just a moment, to let the tears flow. Otherwise, it gets bottled up inside for too long. Once that moment passes, I can close my eyes and go to sleep. Then its a new start to a new day. God's mercies are new every morning. Just got to put one foot in front of the other, take a big breath, and get through to the next moment. All I need is God's grace for the moment, each and every moment.