Sunday, October 19, 2008
Okay, so it's been a long time since I've written anything in here (especially anything NOT related to the Dodgers). Now that the season is over, I've gotten quite a bit of time to reflect. Especially so since my 24th birthday is right around the corner. And to be honest ... my birthday wish has been the same thing for the longest time now. It's the same as my New Year's resolution/wish/whatever. I'm not asking for much, really. It's not like I keep wishing for a husband, because I'm not. All I'm asking for is to go out on my first date before I'm 25. All I want to is have my first kiss before I'm 25. All I want is to know how it feels to hold a guy's hand, to be hugged in a "more than friend or acquaintance" way, to be asked out by a guy who I'll actually say yes to (not some random stranger or someone who's twice my age or not someone who I just plain didn't like or not someone who was asking but only as a joke and yes all of these things have happened to me) ... just once that's all I'm asking for. Is that really too much to ask? I'm content being single and being on my own. But for once ... I'd like to know that there is someone out there who finds me the least bit attractive ... who thinks I'm special (in that more than a friend way of course). Is that really too much to ask? Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see that maybe that is too much to ask and maybe I'm just not cut out for that. Perhaps that's why I avoid looking in a mirror when at all possible. So why do I always feel like I'm not even cut out for second best. That I'll always be last in everything. That no matter what ... I'll always be the odd one out. That given a choice ... I'd be left standing in the dust as everyone scatters away from me. That I'll never be good enough for anyone, whether it's as a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend, a girlfriend, or a wife. That I'll never be good enough in what I do, whether it's being a student, a sales associate, a writer, a photographer, a musician, a singer ... that "amateur" doesn't even begin to describe how inadequate I am. If I was a baseball player and life was a baseball game, not only would I strike out every time I'd get up to bat, but I'd screw it up every time I was on the field. If I was a pitcher, not only would I probably give up a single by not fielding the ball correctly thus crediting me with an error, hit the next batter, walk the next to load the bases, then give up a grand slam to the opposing pitcher. If I was a bowler, not only would I throw the bowling ball into the gutter ... but it would get stuck less than halfway to the pins. If I was a novel, it would be shelved in the deepest darkest part of the library collecting so much dust that it would take the world's strongest vacuum to clean it off. If I was a television show, you couldn't pay the extras enough to be on the show let alone the actors. If I was a photographer, every photo would be black because I forgot to take the lens cap off. If I was a musician, every note would be either flat or sharp because I would basically be out of tune all the time. As I'm getting near to the end of this, I'm seriously considering whether or not to post it. Then again ... I'm not sure how many people I actually know actually read this. Most of my hits come from random google searches so who knows if anyone actually pays attention to my random ramblings. Especially ones as bleak as this one. Don't worry. I don't really have this bleak of a view on life... most of the time. It usually hits me when it's late at night. And more so around my birthday. I remember in high school how much I dreaded my birthday because it was so depressing then. Like in the game of baseball, we can only take it one game at a time. You can't play Game 7 of the World Series until you play the first one. Because you can't even guarantee that there will be a Game 7. Sometimes I can't even just take it one day at a time. Sometimes I just gotta take it one hour a time. One minute to the next. We'll see how long this post stays up.