Don't know what to say ...

Thankfully the person who I don't know what to say to doesn't really read this blog. I thought about putting it on the other blog that the person sees, but I don't even know if that person sees that or reads that one either. I contemplated writing about this on and off this week. It's quite personal, and I don't always divulge such personal things online. I usually save those topics for my journal. Sadly, my journal is out of commission right now. I need to go buy another one. Actually, I have plenty of journals. They just don't meet the size requirement. Or maybe it's time I break away from that. Do I really have to be that strict about what size journal I use?

I am quite frustrated. With life. With people. With friends. Mainly, with myself.

The topic I started this blog entry about ... it applies to several people in my lives, but one person really had me thinking about this. It's starts with a person (in my case, a guy or several guys) who say they want to be friends. They want me to call and keep in touch, but they won't put in the effort to do the same. Why am I supposed to be the one who calls them first, or sends them an e-mail first, or instant message them first? Is it the good old double standard that I'm the girl and they're the guy? I don't get it.

This doesn't apply to just any one guy in my life. I can name at least three! In fact, one of them is online right now. I've seen him online several times, but he never messages me first. And I refuse to be the one of do it first. Call me stubborn, but that's how I feel about this. The other two guys, I rarely hear from. And when I do, it's usually the same excuse. They've changed cell phone numbers or lost mine or didn't save mine. In fact, one of them called me recently. I missed his call. He left me a message telling me that he changed his phone number and this is his new one. I made a mental note to save it later. Guess what? Mental note got lost somewhere and I forgot to save it. Guess that means he better call again or else he'll never hear from me again. Then there's the guy who I haven't heard for years. I don't even know if he'll remember who I am. Though I'll always remember him because of what an impact he made on my life. The one guy that I was thinking about when I wrote this said he wanted to talk more often. So, for a little while, we did. We chatted once or twice a week online. And he even asked me to call him during the week to talk. He called me once or twice, but that was it. I haven't heard from him in a long time. No chats. No phone calls. No comments online. Nothing.

Guess the title is misleading, because obviously, I do know what I want to say. I just don't know what to say to these people in my life. I guess I will have to break down and forget about my standards for my journaling. After all, I have several small journals that I can use. My regular journaling is done in 8 x 11 journals, while everything else is done in 6 x 8s. But the way I feel tonight, I may have to break down and forget about it all. I haven't journaled in almost two months. That's two months worth of memories and emotions to write down. No wonder I'm frustrated.

BTW if you're reading this ... I could really use some feedback. Really.