Women's Rules for Men

I came across this article while reading Single Men are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like Spaghetti. And hopefully by the end of this semester, I'll know how to enter this book into an online catalog database

THE THINGS WOMEN WANT: (IT'S A LONG LIST); [Chicagoland Final Edition] Cheryl Lavin, Tribune Staff Writer. Chicago Tribune. Chicago, Ill.: May 7, 2000. pg. 16

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. If you're in a bad mood, we're going to assume it's our fault. So, tell us what's bothering you.
3. Don't act like a big shot to impress us. It always backfires.
5. Quit complaining about your boss. Find another job.
6. Don't tell us you love us on the first date. We won't believe you.
7. Sunday is usually the only day we can relax. Be flexible about the all-day sports rule.
8. Buy yourself some decent clothes.
10. Pay attention. We like to give clues. "Susie and Bob tried a great new restaurant" means "Why don't you ever take us anywhere nice?"
11. Would it kill you to mark our birthday, anniversary and Valentine's Day on your calendar?
12. If we wanted to check our own oil, rotate our own tires, change our own fuses and put stuff on the highest shelf, we'd be men.
13. We'll stop faking it if you'll stop asking us.
14. We'll never bug you to stop and ask for directions if you'll just figure out in advance how to get where we're going.
16. Don't say you understand just to get us to shut up. It won't work.
17. Yes, it's true. Sometimes we like to call up and talk about nothing. Get used to it.
18. PMS is a medically recognized condition. It's not in our heads.
19. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
20. We care nothing about monster trucks, car systems, stereo systems or paint ball. We're just pretending.
21. The kissing must never stop.
22. We have no intentions of shaving our legs everyday.
23. Don't make bets about us; we always find out.
25. We must be told we look beautiful after we have spent hours getting ready, when we're going to meet someone we haven't met before and especially when we don't. If you tell us we look beautiful when we have a big fat zit, we'll know you're lying and will always doubt you.
26. We will always think we're fat. Would it kill you to tell us we're not?
27. We will never pick a fight with you while you're doing the laundry or the dishes or washing our car.
28. Don't ask for our phone number if you don't intend to use it within 48 hours.
30. If you don't like waiting for a table, make a reservation.
31. Don't blame us for the sins of your ex-wives and girlfriends.
32. Understand that tit-for-tat doesn't mean anything dirty. It just means for every wrestling match we watch with you on TV, we get one "The Practice."
33. We often enjoy having our feet rubbed more than more obvious parts.
34. If we don't laugh, it doesn't mean we don't get it--we get it- -it means it's not funny.
35. If you ask us where we'd like to go on a date, don't pout when we tell you.
36. Don't count our shoes and we won't count your Playboys.
37. Keep the details of your bodily functions to an absolute minimum.
38. If you've finished the toilet paper, replace the roll. We bet you can figure out where we keep it.
39. If you ask us what's wrong and we say nothing, ask us again. And this time, look sincere.

IF IT ITCHES, WASH IT -- AND OTHER RULES; [Chicagoland Final Edition] Cheryl Lavin, Tribune staff writer. Chicago Tribune. Chicago, Ill.: May 21, 2000. pg. 16

40. Every idea that you have is not automatically brilliant. (And every idea that we have is not automatically stupid.)
41. We are not nags, it's just that you never do what we ask the first time.
42. When we say something, it's necessary for you to respond. At the very minimum, nod your head.
43. Real men run dishwashers.
44. And dust.
48. It's OK not to be handy around the house, but it's not OK to say you're not if you are, just to get out of fixing stuff.
49. Inviting us to come over to watch you watch sports is not a date.
50. Don't bring your cell phone on a date unless you have children.
51. It wouldn't hurt you to know something about something other than sports.
52. When we're out on a date with another couple, you're not allowed to talk to the other guy all night and ignore us.
53. If you hold our hand in public, it doesn't mean you're whipped.
54. If you only knew how much a tender word, a thoughtful act and an unexpected gift means to us, you would do it and your life would improve exponentially.
55. We believe that you mean everything that it says in a greeting card. So, spend a few minutes and pick out a nice one.
56. When we say money isn't important, we're fudging.
57. When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, we get nauseous.
58. No one dies of a cold.
59. If you call yourself "the kid" and/or speak of yourself in the third person, we will have to leave.
60. If it itches, wash it.
62. When you answer us while you're watching television, at least turn your head in our direction.
63. If you would compliment us on a regular basis, we would stop asking you if we look fat and if other girls are prettier than we are.
64. If you only knew how much getting flowers for no reason means to us, you would do it and your life would improve exponentially.
65. One of the big reasons women fear getting married is that they know guys get lazy about personal hygiene once they're in the security of marriage.
66. Consider removing your back hair. We'd be glad to shave it.
67. What's the deal with the baseball cap? You're bald. Get over it.
68. If you compare us to your mother, we'll compare you to our father. And you'll come up short.
69. We have better taste than you. You would be wise to let us pick out your clothes.
70. Fifteen minutes before we're supposed to leave is no time to ask us, "What should I wear?"
71. When you send us flowers, always send them to the office.
72. The time to take your clothes to the cleaners is when you get them dirty, not when you need to wear them.
73. Only the worst kind of a pig stares at other women when he's with us. We look at other men, but we do it discreetly.
74. When no one's home, stand in front of a mirror and practice this until you can say it in public, "I was wrong."
75. After you've mastered that, work on, "I'm sorry."
76. We are neither your mother nor your maid.